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Undercover Trucker: How I Saved America by Truckin' Towels for the Taliban


For his second Podiobook, Bill Schmalfeldt goes from the sublime to the ridiculous. His follow-up to the non-fiction "No Doorway Wide Enough" is this fanciful, hilarious narrative, voiced by disgraced, former alcoholic truck driver Billy Big Rig (who can never reveal his real name because everyone wants to kill him) who -- if he is to be believed -- infiltrated a terror cell, went to Afghanistan, and single-handedly saved America from another terror attack in the days after 9/11. Along the way, he shares his philosophy about life, love, truckstop meals and waitresses, men's room protocol, how he killed the REAL Saddam Hussein, and his many, many marriages. This will probably be the most politically-incorrect book you will read or hear all year. Definitely not for the kiddies, mostly for language, violence, and brief nudity. If you download this book and are offended, it's YOUR fault, not the author's! You've been warned. But if you like a bawdy, action-packed story, told by a character who is one part Stephen Colbert, one part Archie Bunker, one part Forrest Gump, one part John Wayne and 100 percent AMERICAN MAN, then you'll LOVE "Undercover Trucker: How I Saved America by Truckin' Towels for the Taliban." In a manly way, I mean. Billy doesn't swing that way. That sh*t just ain't right!

WARNING TO THE SATIRE IMPAIRED: You will need ALL your satire glands in order to enjoy this.

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  • Meet Billy Big Rig. Now, that ain't his real name. He can never reveal his true identity because the government wants him dead. Why? Because it was HIM who saved America in the days after 9/11, and THEY want you to think THEY did it. In this first hilarious episode, Billy explains his tragic upbringing with an alcoholic mom, a brutal father, and an idiot twin brother who got himself paralyzed when a cow bit a chunk out of his spine. He talks about his all-encompassing desire to become a truck driver. WARNING: This is a VERY politically-incorrect story, although Billy sees himself as the very picture of tolerance. You are not likely to see him in quite the same level of enlightenment. So be warned. If your satire bone is broken and you download this episode and are offended by it, it's YOUR fault... not Billy's!

  • In the last episode, you met Billy Big Rig -- disgraced former alcoholic truck driver, bon vivant, and the most enlightened bigot you'll ever meet. He can never reveal his true identity because nefarious agents want him dead. In Episode #2, Billy gets his chance to drive a truck. But after nearly murdering his co-driver, Sammy, for letting a "lot lizard" into the truck, Billy find himself looking for another job... this time as a solo driver. Along the way, Billy explains why he refuses to use the commonly-accepted racial slurs, but just so you'll know who he's talking about, he'll refer to African-Americans as "Freightliners," Asians as "Volvos", Hispanics are "Kenworths" and Middle-Easterners are "Sand Freightliners." (Billy has no problem whatsoever with homophobic slurs, however. To Billy, "That sh*t just ain't right!") Knowing that after hearing his story, YOU will want to become a truck driver TOO, Billy shares some of the rules of the road that they'll never tell you in truck driver school -- stuff you can only learn out there on "The Killer Road." Billy finds a job as a tanker truck driver, hauling grain alcohol. It almost becomes his doom. WARNING: Billy sees himself as the picture of enlightenment. You are not likely to see him through the same lens. You may find him downright offensive. So you have been warned. If your satire gland is missing and you download this episode and are offended, it's YOUR fault, not Billy's!

  • In this episode, disgraced former alcoholic truck driver Billy Big Rig explains how he BECAME a disgraced former alcoholic truck driver. And it was all his own fault. He sees that now. And God must CERTAINLY look out for fools, idiots, alcoholics and truck drivers, because if he had flipped that tanker over comin' out FULL with the stuff they load at that plant in Karns City, PA, instead of goin' in EMPTY like he was, it would have meant a 50-mile radius "kill zone" where nothing could grow for 30 years. Billy takes his medicine like a man, and even has some nice things to say about his new lodgings, Albion State Prison in Pennsylvania. Compared to some of the dumps he's been imprisoned within, it's a Holiday Inn Express! After regaining his sight in the prison hospital, Billy meets his cellmate... the man who will unwittingly place him in a position to save America! WARNING! Billy Big Rig thinks of himself as a shining beacon of racial equality. You will probably not agree with that assessment. Although he REFUSES to use racial slurs (he has no problem with homophobic slurs, however) you may find much of Billy's narrative offensive. Therefore, you are warned. If the part of your brain that processes "satire" has atrophied, and you download and listen to this episode and are offended, that's YOUR fault, not Billy's!

  • In Episode #4, Billy Big Rig introduces us to his "Sand Freightliner" cellmate, Qaboos. His new friend tries to share the basic tenents of Islam with Billy, but Billy has a problem with any religion where a fella can't eat pork. But friendship is friendship, and when Billy catches wind of Qaboos' plan to escape with several of his fellow Islamic prisoners, Billy feels compelled to tell the warden -- not because he doesn't think Qaboos should be free, but because he would miss him as a friend. The warden has long since stopped accepting requests for a personal audience with Billy... but this time, well... the warden is interested. Billy finds himself in the warden's office, handcuffed naked to a cold, metal chair, faced with the warden, two "Freightliner" guards, and the most evil man to draw breath in the latter part of the 20th Century -- Bill Clinton. WARNING! Billy sees himself as the very milk of human kindness and racial understanding. (Not so much with the gays, however.) You will not see him in the same light. In fact, you may find some of what he says to be offensive. If you have no concept of "satire" and still download this episode and find yourself shocked, appalled and offended, that's YOUR fault, not Billy's!

  • After being coerced by the Warden and President Clinton into convincing Qaboos to include him in his escape plans, Billy has some time to think about past mistakes -- including his many, many marriages. He's been stabbed, beaten with billy clubs and handcuffed naked to a light pole in a truck stop in Effingham, Ill. But only one of his ex-wives cared enough to shoot him. Billy confronts his cellmate about the escape plans and after a tense (and homoerotic) moment, Qaboos agrees to include Billy in the escape. WARNING: If you were to ask Billy Big Rig, he would tell you that God made us all the same, and the color of our skin and the texture of our hair makes no never mind to God so it shouldn't to us neither. (Just don't get him started about homosexuals! That sh*t ain't right!) You are not so likely to agree with Billy's self-appraisal. Therefore, if you woke up this morning and someone has run off with your satire processor, if you download and listen to this episode and are offended by it, it's YOUR fault, not Billy's!

  • In Episode #6, Billy Big Rig get out of jail, quite easily in fact. He gets a job selling pizza while awaiting orders to travel to Afghanistan, and decides to take a side trip down to DC to see if the NEW President STILL wanted him to carry out the orders of the OLD president. A Reminder! Billy Big Rig is NOT the most "Politically Correct" fella you're ever going to meet. He thinks he's the model of diplomacy and tolerance, but you are not likely to agree with that. Therefore, if you download and listen to this episode and are offended by the language or the situations presented, it's YOUR fault, not Billy's!

  • In Episode #7, Billy Big Rig and the Islamic Extremists travel to Afghanistan, and Billy shares the details of his brief time in the Navy. This will be an important part of the story -- later. WARNING: Billy is a rough and salty individual. He uses language (except for the "F" Bomb) that some might find offensive and his views about politics are hardly the most enlightened. If you've had your satire glands removed, and you download and listen to this and are offended, it's YOUR fault, not Billy's.

  • In Episode #8, Billy Big Rig meets his covert, undercover operative in Afghanistan. He goes through the ritual procedures to become an actual Muslim. And he gets to meet the head of the Taliban. WARNING: Billy has been called "uncouth," and that is by people who LIKE him. If you have no sense of humor, no sense of satire, then you probably don't want to listen to this. If you download this and are offended, that's YOUR fault, not Billy's!

  • In Episode #9, Billy Big Rig starts his new job with the Taliban -- taking dirty laundry to a laundry in Kabul. His operative, one of the Taliban leader's wives, has been assigned to go with him since she speaks some English. In fact, Rafa is an Israeli agent who speaks better English than Billy does. It's Billy's job to find out what he can find out, convey the info to Rafa, who gets the info to HER operative in Kabul during the laundry delivery. Billy gains a new respect for her, and they are together when they learn the horrible truth of what Al Qaeda had planned for September 11. WARNING: Billy's views on important things might be considered less than enlightened. And that's being kind. So, if you have no concept of satire or sense of humor, you might consider moving on to the next book. If you download this and are offended, it's your fault, not Billy's.

  • In Episode #10, Billy Big Rig gains even MORE respect for his Israeli assigned operative. And he reveals the truth about what REALLY happened to Saddam Hussein -- and how the government has been lying to us for years! WARNING! Billy's language and political views would make Rush Limbaugh blush -- if Rush were, in fact, capable of shame. If you are without a satire bone, leave this one alone. If you download this and are offended, it's your fault -- not Billy's!

  • In Episode #11, Billy Big Rig finally has to deal with the ardorous advances of Qaboos. America invades Afghanistan, so Billy and Rafa have to accompany the Taliban to Tora Bora. Rafa gets her ultimate revenge, Billy gets HIS ultimate revenge, then something bad happens! WARNING! Billy has something of a potty mouth with neanderthal attitudes about politics and cultural diversity. If you are without an appreciation for satirical humor, go pet a kitty and knit a doily. If you download this and are offended, it's your fault. Not Billy's!

  • In Episode #12, the final episode, Billy Big Rig has been captured by Coalition Forces, who mistake him for an American Taliban. After months and months in captivity, he is finally freed by a most unlikely source. WARNING! His experiences in Afghanistan and Guantanamo Bay have done nothing to soften Billy's attitudes or overall demeanor. If you are easily offended and you download this anyway, it's your fault. Not Billy's! UNDERCOVER TRUCKER: HOW I SAVED AMERICA BY TRUCKIN' TOWELS FOR THE TALIBAN IS AVAILABLE THROUGH MY WEBSITE, as well as at... Lulu.com paperback — $25 Amazon paperback — $25 Amazon KINDLE — $5 Lulu PDF Download — $5 Smashwords eBook Downloads — $5

Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 Logo This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 license.

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