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Cover for 'The United States of Air: a Satire'

The National Sewer Agency is spying on people's toilets, looking for food terrorists...

Food Enforcement Agent Jason Frolick believes in America. He believes in eating air. He struggles to get the food monkey off his back. As part of the Global War on Fat, his job is to put food terrorists in Fat Camp.

When a pizza dealer gets whacked in the park across the street from the Thin House, the Prophet Jones himself asks Frolick to investigate. For the first time ever, Frolick solves a murder--but what he finds out shakes his faith.

Will he ever be able to eat air again?

Be sure not to miss Chapters 13 1/2, 17 5/8, and 27 98/100!

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  • Chapter 1 -- Welcome to the Global War on Fat! Time for all you ferrners out there to learn how to ear air. Food terrism must be destroyed!

  • Chapter 2 -- Food is a drug. You don't need to eat. That's a myth. All you need is air! Meet the Prophet. You must see the change you wish to be in the world! The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Food. The French Food Mafia. Fatso, the Godfather of Food.

  • Chapter 3 -- A murder investigation. A pizza dealer got whacked in LaOmelette Park, across the street from the Thin House. A desperate housewife. Agent Green's problem. A confession. If you see Fat, say Fat. Call 1-800-I-SEE-FAT. Twinkie rapists.

  • Chapter 4 -- The crime scene. Zero-calorie burgers. A body in the park. A million-dollar, uncut pizza. Who knows why these crazed food terrists do what they do? They hate us for our freedom. Our freedom to eat air. That's why, and you know it. The District of Crap. The Skinny Service. Go the Power of Air!

  • Chapter 5 -- Agent Erpent of the SS. WWTPD? A phone call. From the Prophet. For me? The Coalition of the Fasting. Find Fatso! Fastest way to the morgue is through the Georgetown food ghetto. The Sushi Gang. A place to hide.

  • Chapter 6 -- Bakin Cheez Burgher VIII, a.k.a. Rat Boy. The fierce urgency of now. The River Potomacncheese. Cockroach mousse, anyone? An interrogation. Where's Fatso?

  • Medical Examiner Hot 'N' Juicy. The coroner's "special ham." An autopsy. A French spy! What they found in his stomach. The murder weapon.

  • Chapter 8 -- The Lincoln Memorial. Back door passage to the NSA. Biometrics. Top Top Super Double Dip Hot Fudge Sundae With A Cherry On Top Secret. Rank balloons. Poo-AHH! The vault door opens.

  • Chapter 9 -- The National Sewer Agency. General Full O'Shitt, at your service. Total Poo Awareness. I think it's time the Thin House learned exactly what we do here at the NSA. We've got toilet cams in every major sewer in the world. Food terrists would kill us for the right to eat food again. Be alert. Not alarmed.

  • Chapter 10 -- The Plumber. PhD from the Massachussetts Institute of Toilet Technology. Kill the leaks! The turd that got away could be the secret to where Fatso is. Too Secret For You. Jacques Crusteau's dossier. Ma-ma! Ma-ma! Code Name: Poo Island. Set our status to FOODCON ONE.

  • Chapter 11 -- With or without sprinkles? No more Mister Twenty-Five-Star Nice Guy. Air Traffic Controller Blobbalicious Superfattypants. A traitor in our midst! Lt. Capt. Maj. Col. Bouwelles. Gentlemen, I give you the Poo Rocket. The Toilet Safety Administration. The TSA colonoscopy machine. Hold onto your toilet seats. We're going for a ride!

  • Chapter 12 -- The Sewer High-Intensity Transit System. An accident. Frolick. My friend. Do something for me. Is he going to die? The control tower. Does this mean what I think it means? I'm on a secret mission for the Prophet.

  • Chapter 13 -- A woolly mammoth? Newfangled nonsense. It's uncommon sense that got us into this mess in the first place. The control tower swayed from side to side. That tickles. Maybe I've put on a few pounds. Not my Congressional Medal of Air! I got it for killing defenceless women and children! I would have to resort to torture.

  • Chapter 13 1/2 -- Send me up some chicken wings. Would you really let me starve to death? He's coming back tomorrow morning. My bags are packed. A footnote.

  • Chapter 14 -- A dozen red roses. Daddy, Daddy, how was your day? But--what--what are you doing? Bacon? Are you crazy? I'm going downstairs to pray. For you. Do I have to call child services? Hippie left-wing claptrap. How did you get your hands on that? Keep your voice down. Is that how it is. Twinkie-Baal. We are the LORD YOUR GOD. Et cetera.

  • Chapter 15 -- They couldn't all be corrupt, could they? Terror clawed at my soul. Suppose she's right. Where would I go to get some food? Everything I'd worked so hard to build would fall apart. What in the name of the Prophet was I going to do?

  • Chapter 16 -- A press conference. Hit me with a hard one. Where did you pick up that rumor? The jet came in low from the south. He's turning away! Thin Berets. Neither, sir sir sir sir sir.

  • Chapter 17 -- The deadline had passed. Schoolchildren would learn my name and revile me. A gift card. A stirring patriotic sight. It reminded me of the flag-raising on Iwo Jima. The man in the poo-colored suit. A briefcase full of flour. Arrest that man! The charge of treason.

  • Chapter 17 5/8 -- Little girl, what's your name? Your mommy says you have to go potty. Is that true? Cap sprung me from the brig. Why can't you learn to play ball? A test. You can tell Internal Affairs I passed. What did I do that was so wrong? I don't understand. I'm giving you a choice. The Underground Food Road. You're off-duty until further notice.

  • Chapter 18 -- Dr. Full Stummick, Naturopath. A promise is a promise. Soup's on! Chop Suey No. 17. Hungry for the truth. And only the truth. Take that! And that! La Resistance. Mais oui. I could not agree to disagree more.

  • Chapter 19 -- That unholy Thursday. Your disguise: Alberto Caponey Baloney. Favorite food: peeg deek on a steeck. But how do I walk? How do I talk? How do I hold myself? You're the law. You must speak of this to no one. Judge Oscar Meyer-Weiner.

  • Chapter 20 -- A visit to Food Court. It was just a cracker. Sentencing. In judge's chambers. Can I offer you some refreshment? Toilet tap. Now do you believe me? Then they know everything! Not this time, Mister Cynic. That's the spirit! They're here. Quick! I need your verdict. Run, little Frolick.

  • Chapter 21 -- Fatso's Thanksgiving bash. Caponey Baloney! How eez my-ee fayvoreet don frum Chicago? You're a gangster. Attitude! The table of honor. But how to poison the soup? A toast: to the Prophet! Great hors d'oeuvre, man. Turkey time. Gotta go potty. A jewel-encrusted outhouse. The food lab. Success! ...or not?

  • Chapter 22 -- What happened to the lights? The French police? They're what???

  • Chapter 23 -- They ripped the fat suit off me and tied me naked to a chair. Torture. No! Not that! Anything but that! Please! Meet my head chef. Show him the video! The world began to spin. The flying Twinkies swirled about my head.

  • Chapter 24 -- I went insane. I know that now. I woke to the sounds of laughter. Could I have some real food, please? To Agent Froleek! Heez first good meel een yeerz! If this is slavery, baby, I'm lovin' it. Could I get a doggie bag? Eez zees zee I-SEE-FAT hotline? I want to report a food terriste. I made a solemn vow then.

  • Chapter 25 -- Come out with your hands on your belly. The Sushi Gang. Tastes better when they're sweaty, like salty popcorn! A crumbling supermarket. Escape? It's sushi time... An old friend returns. Get out of here. Go! What are you doing here? See the change you wish to be in the world!

  • Chapter 26 -- A visit to Harry Green in hospital. Gone to Canafooda. They don't stand a chance against my calorie-fueled karate moves. A platoon of heavily-armed Thin Berets. Who are you people? The Fat Berets. We're a new top secret unit. Now come along quietly or we'll be forced to sit on you.

  • Chapter 27 -- My trial lasted fifteen minutes. A bus ride. Welcome to the final stage of human evolution. Firewood? She spat and turned her back on me. The other prisoners avoided me. U-S-A! U-S-A! We're your slimming consultants! Aerobics time. I'm here to defend your freedom. Rat Boy! What do you think is wrong? There is no escape. Dime bag of flour. What's the matter, Thinny? Help! Somebody, please! Food terrist in our midst. In denial. A new school of thought. Now we've got to run. Go. The Prophet needs you.

  • Chapter 27 98/100 -- LaOmelette Park. Foood! Foood! You're going to pay, alright. Kill me! Now's your chance! Real live scientists? It's their fault! The ferrners fault! I can get you off the hook. The holy of holies! Do you like ranch dressing? How dare you engage in favoritism. Wake up the Joint Chiefs of Stick. The Cupboard, too. A crisis. The plan. What's the point of having this superb nuclear arsenal you're always talking about if we can't use it? A secret weapon. You're our only hope, son.

  • Chapter 28 -- It is hard, eating air. Sometimes you feel so empty inside. My heart goes out to you. All of you. But do not fear. We, the United States of Air, are here to help you. To free you from this oppression. That is why, if you fail to comply with our demands, we will be forced to nuke your country until nothing is left but a twisted, molten cinder. What's that noise? Not again!

  • A note from the author.

That was truly weird, an entertaining listen while I cleaned toilets for two days.I gotra say that your voice made me picture Emo Phillips doing the resding sometimes.

Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 Logo This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 license.

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