Go to Page Content

Life is good at Bingham's Bagel Deli. The loathed customers are dealt the poor treatment they seem to deserve, bad rap music is played loudly, and The Rat is killed often enough to stem his immortality. And the insane homeless regulars -- like drunken Little Johnny Redbeard -- keep life interesting.

But when a rival tricks the crew into thinking that the deli's closure is imminent, they do the only logical thing: instead of giving up, they decide to go out in a blaze of glory, handing their customers the humiliation and abuse that the pesky social contract had previously forbidden. But as insults turn to assaults and snide remarks turn to harassment and pro wrestling moves, a strange thing happens. Business goes up -- way up -- as people come back in droves, begging for more.

But the flame that burns twice as bright burns half as long, and as pop-culture welcomes the parody musical group "The Bialy Pimps" and its frivolous merchandising machine -- and as the crew pushes to see how much bad behavior society will accept -- the violent road to fame begins to feel like a runaway train, out of control and headed for destruction…

The Bialy Pimps is a tale that could only be spun by the twisted, vaguely profane mind of outspoken blogger Johnny B. Truant. Combining hilarity with questions about conformity and whether the tail or the dog is the one doing the wagging, this story can't help but raise a question for the reader: If the rest of your friends decided to submit to the Face-Kicking Machine, would you do it too?

Get This
Book Now!

Tip this Author!

Love this free audiobook? support it!


  • Ryan, manager of Bingham's Bagel Deli, is dealing with the everpresent problem of the restaurant's unprofitability. Meanwhile, a crazy homeless man returns, Captain Dipshit frustrates the crew, and the deli's immortal rat is killed yet again in a most unpleasant way.

  • Captain Dipshit's impatient, jackass of a backstory is revealed, in which he discovers the keys to both long life and whatever's healthiest. In the present, Captain Dipshit is assaulted by Drunken Little Johnny Redbeard, who might have a sinister second identity.

  • Captain Dipshit flees a mysterious Mickey Mouse and ends in an unfortunate collision and subsequent pepper spraying incident. Once recovered, the Captain uncovers an old Bingham's rival and potential ally to his cause.

  • Store regular and resident crazy Roger returns and throws an increasingly fragile Captain Dipshit into panic while the Captain tries to find damning evidence against Bingham's. Philip calls a store meeting to reveal how close the deli is to being closed.

  • Rival deli owner Dicky Kulane holds a blood grudge against Philip and Bingham's for a humiliating past. OSU lineman and resident asshole Tom "Brickhouse" Bricker assists the staff in humiliation.

  • Captain Dipshit and Dicky Kulane begin their sabotage plot by intercepting deliveries, but Captain Dipshit is foiled by an air-guitaring hitman who leaves him for dead.

  • Army Ted, who may be a super spy assassin secret agent or may just be a nutjob, almost reveals his true identity when he comes in for his usual order. Suspicious orders begin to come from Bingham's management, mandating increased prices and odd new policies. The staff begins new levels of insolence, and it -- plus inflated prices and worse service -- throws the deli's sales into a surge. Beckie lobbies for a sloth.

  • As the demands from "Wally" become odder and more severe - bizarre measures that sound more likely to ruin the store than to help it - Philip finally revolts and attempts to tell Wally that he can shove it. The Rat's consternation about the new human infestation increases. After trying to call Wally and discovering that the phones are out, the Anarchist and Dicky make an attempt at repair, then a sacrifice.

  • After failing to reach Wally by phone, Philip emails Wally to tell him that the crew has had enough and won't be complying with the latest demands. At the fall party, Philip proposes an alternative way to send the store into its inevitable death in a blaze of glory.

  • After the most annoying customer in the world visits, Philip snaps and decides to see how much insult he can get away with. While Philip, having acted, begins having second thoughts and is talked off the ledge by Tracy, the rest of the crew is left alone and begins their own experiments in testing the limits of customer abuse.

  • Philip and the Anarchist attempt to work out the philisophical ramifications of the changes at Bingham's, centered around the axiom, "People are stupid." Having mollified their consciences, the crew takes their customer abuse up a notch, enlisting Bricker as bouncer and chief glue-weilder. A reporter takes interest in the store after a hose incident.

  • A bathroom-centered battle between Philip and The Rat ends badly for one combatant. A popular newspaper columnist offers to break the Bingham's story wide open.

  • With things beginning to get wild at Bingham's, Philip begins to worry what will happen when management finds out what they've been doing. Fears become grounded when Dicky Kulane sends district manager Wally to check in on them. The Rat's new incarnation makes revolutionary plans, Rich turns the restaurant into a wrestling smackdown ring, and Tracy has an idea for a ironic fame-grab.

  • Wally arrives to find the deli in a new level of chaos, and loses his cool. After a tense argument, an agreement is reached to save Bingham's from the lawsuit that seems immenent, and from the owner's wrath. But just before everything can be put right, the Anarchist makes a mutinous decision for them all that erases Bingham's' ability to turn back.

  • Ignoring Wally and choosing to stay in chaos for the 60 Minutes interview, the store preps for national fame. Roger tries the rival Big Bagel Bill's bagel deli and overhears a sinister plot. After their national debut and seeming approval from the world, the crew kicks things up a notch and unleashes new levels of customer humiliation and abuse.

  • The Face-Kicking machine sees its improbable and unadvisable debut as the crew pulls out all of the stops. Beckie delights in the creation of the sadistic paging system shock collars. When Army Ted claims responsibility for keeping lawyers and police off the crew's collective backs, Beckie finally stalks him to his house and uncovers the truth. While the rats begin to mass and the fame train rolls on with the crew's MTV parody video debut, the Anarchist begins to have doubts about the future of the deli and of himself.

  • The crew is rattled by a shocking discovery involving Army Ted and the mysterious, magical campus math tutor bandit. Meanwhile, Tony is secretly enacting Dicky Kulane's sabotage plan. The Anarchist begins to question his decision to attend grad school and is subsequently harassed by Army Ted in a nighttime encounter, while Roger casts his suspicions on Tony and his intentions.

  • The debut of Bricker's bestselling book causes waves with Slate and the slicer while Philip and the Anarchist develop a troubling drug habit. The rats mass in the lobby and set a date for their overthrow. Roger goes on a mission to foil Dicky's plans, but Dicky, who watched as the rats gathered in the lobby, begins to see that his current plot was inadequate anyway, and begins to formulate a much worse one. Meanwhile, lawyers finally arrive at Bingham's, with surprising results.

  • While Tony is discovering that his plot and his property have been taken away from him, one of Jenny's sarcastic dreams comes horribly true. Despite an air of tragedy, the fame train rolls on, with the crew seeing what ridiculous merchandising the Bingham's-hungry masses will actually buy. Philip and the Anarchist, sensing an end to the phenomenon begin to wonder what will happen next.

  • With the rat-videotaping plot no longer an option, Tony rails at the loss of his camera and Dicky goads him and Captain Dipshit into a plan for revenge. Darcy sees the irony of fame, and the way the crew set themselves free and had run right back into bondage. Angela suggests a huge New Year's Eve bash and Tracy realizes that something important has slipped by him. Once in the deli, enacting their latest scheme, Dicky breaks from his accomplices and sets up his destructive true scheme.

  • With plans for the New Year's Gala underway, the crew begins to resent the agents and the fans and fame and make plans for a return to a rebellious normal. When their subtle sabotage is foiled, Philip commands Tracy to brave the basement to locate an ancient weapon of Bingham's lore.

  • Philip flips from fun harrassment to all-out assault to try and finally rid the place of idiots, to finally show them that he truly means business and is determined to get a reaction no matter what. Meanwhile, Captain Dipshit arrives with police in force and Dicky locks the doors to have his say on a soapbox in the lobby, with his finger on a big red button.

  • When Dicky's plans go mysteriously awry, the rats sieze their chance and thousands of them begin the Great Rat Uprising. The crew is temporarily protected from the melee but sees their safety dwindling as Philip makes an infuriating but lifesaving discovery about the depth of the store's ghetto nature. The force protecting Bingham's is revealed.

  • With the deli destroyed and closing, Dicky, escaped, revels in his accomplishment for a while before things turn bad. The fame wheel turns and the crew moves on, but the Anarchist arranges a reunion that is also a tribute. A new venture is begun as time marches inevitably on.

Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 Logo This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 license.

Powered by Libsyn.com