Go to Page Content
Cover for 'How to Disappear Completely'

Part film noir detective story, part fantasy adventure, part East End gangster tale, How to Disappear Completely concerns Theo Braithwaite, a failed actress and worse waitress, becoming involved in an unseen world populated by history's rejects and runaways from a secret society known as The Footmen. A stranger to London, waiting for life to come and find her, she is instead found by a part-time thief called Kilbey Salmon who, along with his rockabilly-obsessed partner, is attempting to eke out a living stealing things that have already been stolen and finding people who don't want to be found.

An episodic narrative, Kilbey and Nero's capers will drag Theo through the forgotten parts and people of London, hunted by ancient sects, carnivorous shadows, cannibalistic butchers and off-duty policemen. Along the way she'll meet the Eternal Footmen, blow up Hammersmith Bridge, reach the end of history and quite possibly disappear completely.

If Theo is to survive, she'll need to get her life sorted before all of our futures catch up with her.

Get This
Book Now!

Tip this Author!

Love this free audiobook? support it!


  • In which Theo arrives late to her last morning of employment at the Camden Cafe, with little idea that life is about to take a sharp detour. London is about to surprise her - at last! - just not in the way she'd been expecting. For a start there are the two men watching her from across the road, not to mention a personal phonecall from a terrorist who's just blown up Hammersmith Bridge. And who exactly is Kilbey Salmon?

  • In which Theo makes a friend, an enemy and an ex-boyfriend. Over several glasses of wine, secrets are revealed. 'There are ghosts here, y'know? In the brickwork, down the drain. But they're shy, right? They don't come out for just anyone. They know better.'

  • In which taking the last train home leads Theo into a darker world than even that she knew to exist underground. With phantoms crawling from the walls, help arrives in the form of a drunken stranger - Kilbey Salmon: tall, dark and utterly improbable. But can he save Theo from her own shadow?

  • In which we uncover the terrible business of Salmon and Dusk. A beautiful woman makes Kilbey an offer he politely declines, but he takes on her case regardless. While Nero fumes about the car's lack of central heating, Kilbey plans to track down a lost boyfriend who may already be beyond finding.

  • In which Theo is taken to a underground bar in a Camden toilet and Kilbey meets a punter. Nero talks about time travel and cab routes, while the barman puts the decline of the nation down to the rise of the theme pub. By the way, just who are The Eternal Footmen?

  • In which Theo sinks further into Albion while Kilbey and Nero do a spot of shopping. Encountering the unsavoury gaze of the Meatmarketers and a Shopkeeper who would prefer they took their business elsewhere, the three begin their hunt for a stolen book and a boyfriend'ss ashes. But can anyone be trusted?

  • In which Kilbey and Theo drive into a stranger's cellar to steal some ashes, only to interrupted by some unsavoury sorts with the same idea. Not everyone here will get out alive. Or at all.

  • In which Nero heads to Soho for a dodgy book and finds more than he'd bargained for.

  • In which Kilbey and Theo share breakfast and a few secrets, while Nero has some surprises to bring to the table. All three are about to discover that if the food doesn't kill them, there are plenty about willing to give it a shot.

  • In which Kilbey and Nero gather new enemies and a few bruises. The location of the stolen book is discovered and this terrible business reaches a worse conclusion.

  • In which Theo deals with a bad hangover, untidy flatmates, a misplaced wallet and a lover with a bad case of amnesia. Surely Saturdays used to be more straightforward?

  • In which Theo worries she is being followed by stalkers, known by evangelists and slowly becoming invisible. When her biggest concern should be how many bottles of red she can drink in an evening, a trip to the supermarket takes a surreal and terrifying turn.

  • In which Nero gambles on finding a drugdealer and lucks out with a threatening vicar while Kilbey has an early night.

  • In which Theo falls into someone else's bad dream and a trip to Oxford Circus takes a strange and worrying turn.

  • In which Kilbey drives dangerously, Nero hikes across London and Theo spends a night on the river.

  • In which Kilbey finds his man and spills his drink. Theo is briefly impressed by his professionalism but quickly realises when things seem straightforward, there's been some misunderstanding.

  • In which Nero hatches a plan, Kilbey smells a rat and Theo has some doubts.

  • In which Kilbey and Theo find a dead girl while Nero plays a dud hand.

  • In which Theo swaps death and danger for dirty dishes while Nero discovers he has a bad head for heights. With time on his hands, Kilbey digs up some old memories.

  • In which Kilbey and Nero hunt hounds for a Vegan Terrorist, while dark things are stirring on a London Council Estate.

  • In which Theo tries to return a gift, Kilbey is given a challenge he can't refuse and spirits start to walk the corridors of a London Council Estate.

  • In which something unpleasant washes up in a canal, Kilbey buys some milk and Theo witnesses an exorcism in a council flat.

  • In which Nero goes looking for people he never wanted to see again, Theo visits a girl who speaks in other people's voices and Kilbey meets a priest while shopping for a hangover.

  • In which Theo wakes up somewhere strange with something stranger and Kilbey seeks Black's help to track her down.

  • In which Nero comes home and his troubles begin, while Kilbey and Theo get to the bottom of their latest mystery. In the process, Kilbey issacrificed to some hungry shadows.

  • In which Nero wakes twice and still finds bad news, while Kilbey and Theo see a reverse-psychic who tells them things are worse than they thought.

  • In which Theo and Kilbey head south to turn themselves in, sort of, while Nero flees west but doesn't make it far. Death, Monks, explosions, surprises and revelations abound as "How to Disappear Completely" begins to hurtle towards its conclusion.

  • In which Kilbey proves he's not just a pretty face, while Theo casts her eye over the text of her life and finds it dull reading. At least there's plenty of surprises and excitement going on around her.

  • In which Nero tends his bruises, Theo worries about trapdoors and Kilbey meets an old, dead friend. Revelations abound in this, the penultimate chapter of 'How to Disappear Completely.'

  • In which the end of History is reached and London falls to dust. From a thousand feet above, Theo and Kilbey are faced with some difficult decisions and - for one of them - a fatal injury. Ghosts, rockabilly and devastation on an unimaginable scale all feature in this, the final episode of "How to Disappear Completely."

Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 Logo This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 license.

Powered by Libsyn.com